I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
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His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
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I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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