took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
