and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
