sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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