you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
