I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
