Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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