it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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