it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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