You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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