I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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