Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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