I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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