Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
