Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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