She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
