now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
