Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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