Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
