I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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