The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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