umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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