when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
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obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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