I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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