So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
