obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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