happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
