she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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