I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
