the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
