I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
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I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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