So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
