Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
