my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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