i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
