My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
