Me too!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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