you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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