look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
