Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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