i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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