Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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