just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
