i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
