He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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