Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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