five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
