every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
50% drunk capacity currently
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
