I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
