piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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