She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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