I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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