Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
