I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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