i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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