he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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