i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
